Celebrity Breakups and Dolphins Getting High (feat. Isla Fisher) – Lights Out with David Spade
We’ve got some sad news
this week. Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes
have called it quits. -Ugh. -(audience reacts)
-After six years of… kind of dating?
Secretly dating? I don’t know what’s going on. They’ve been seen stepping out
with new people. They’re not even, like,
on my top, like, uh, deepfake celebrity
sex tape scroll, you know? -SPADE: Scroll?
-Yeah. I don’t, uh… That’s, like, everybody
at the line at Whole Foods. I mean, come on,
look at it, you know? It’s just… It’s everyone in line
at Whole Foods? -Yeah. They’re too nice. -Which
Whole Foods are you going to? They’re too nice,
that’s what I’m trying to say. -Oh, they’re nice.
-Oh, yeah. I think it’s gonna be tough
for her. She’s– This is some big hitters
she’s been with: Tom Cruise, Jamie Foxx… Who’s next? Dave Attell?
What is she gonna…? -ATTELL: Oh, really?
-SPADE: I like… -Thank you. -She’s gonna go
from being at the Met Gala to being at the Comedy Cellar
at 1:00 a.m. watching him do crowd work
with some Asian tourists. Thank you. First of all… Coming from a guy who looks
like he’s dressed for, like, I guess, bird-watching? What are you…
What are you here for? They didn’t tell me it was… (applause and cheering) They didn’t tell me it was dress
up as the job you didn’t take. I mean… At least Dave looks the part. Dave, you probably don’t even
know what breaking up is, right, ’cause you have to actually be
in a relationship first. -ATTELL: Whoa. You know what?
-FISHER: And then… over time,
after you’re committed, then that’s when
you might break up. SPADE:
Oh, I get it now. I think Marvelous Mrs. Maple
said it best. Right. Is that maple hair?
I like it. -No, I, uh… -I know how
you got us on the show, but how did you get her
on the show? -FITZSIMMONS: Yeah, right.
-I didn’t read the e-mail. -She’s a legitimate star. -She
thought it was a birthday party. She just said,
I’ll come, whatever. All right.
Listen, uh… He just released
another single I like. Katie Holmes, that’s nice. -Look at how I wrapped that up.
-ATTELL: That was it? -FISHER: That was it?
-Yeah, that was nice. That was the wrap-up.
No, we got another one. I just found out–
this is great, and this isn’t part
of the show– I just found out that dolphins are getting high
off toxins from puffer fish. They’re deadly when they’re not
prepared correctly. Uh, looks like my drug dealer’s got some competition
from my sushi guy. Both are in the Valley. Uh, what do we think?
Isla, you have a puffer fish, -I think, at your house.
-Yeah, in my vagina. (laughter) -And it also releases
-ATTELL: Lights out. a poisonous toxin when animals go
and try to eat it. Well, they-they get high. I-I know how
they’re gonna make SeaWorld a little bit more fun. Just toss a couple of those
in the dolphin tank. It’s like spiking the punch. And now when
they throw the hoops, instead of catching them
on their nose, they’re gonna grab them
on their rock-hard (bleep). (laughter) SPADE:
By the way, speaking of… There goes the Daytime Emmy. SPADE:
Yeah. When I was in, uh, Hawaii– Island dropping–
I was, uh– It’s a little island out there,
(clicks tongue) yonder– but I went into this hotel and they had dolphins there
you play with, but it was right next
to the ocean, and they’re jumping around. I had Noah, the best one. And then, you know,
you swim around with them, but then I saw him one time
catch a view. He’s like… (trills)
Then he goes, “Hmm.” Splash, then he goes… (trills) “Is that the ocean right…? (trills)
Then he goes, “Not a hundred yards away,
it’s easily f– Everybody up on three. Whoo!” And, so, uh,
they were figuring out that this was smaller
than the actual ocean ’cause they’d been lied to. And then I saw Noah, uh, like, two weeks later,
and I go, “Noah!” And the dolphin,
he goes, “Hey, man.” You’re like… Just blew me off. And I go, “Sorry, I… We… I did a 30-minute session
with you.” And he goes, “Dude,
I see 50 people a day. Like…” I go, “Oh,
you see 50 stars a day?” And he goes…
And I go, “By the way, “you were rubbing your dick
against me the whole time. Does that ring a bell?” And he goes, “In fairness,
I rub my dick against everybody. I’m a dolphin. I’m super horny.” And I felt like I was
in some Finding Neverland thing. -All right. Yes. -May I…
may I jump in on that or no? -Jump in.
-I don’t know if that story comes in either short
or interesting, but… -(laughter and applause)
-You know… Lights Out. -Lights Out.
-Listen… Hold on, hold on. -I don’t know if I come in
short or… -So, you rode… You rode a dolphin, correct? -I rode… I played with
a dolphin, yes. -ATTELL: Okay. -Let’s not break down how…
the bad story. -ATTELL: Okay. Did you get on top like a whore
or underneath like a lady? ’Cause that’s how I did it. I let that dolphin ride me. I’m mad at you now.