Jourdain Fisher Stand-Up
-What’s up, New York? Hey. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, man. It’s getting cold out.
I hate the cold, man. I hate the cold because
it bothers this metal rod I got put in my left leg after
I broke it on my birthday… by going to a trampoline park. I went to a trampoline park
on my 24th birthday. Instead of going to a
strip club like a real man. Broke my darn leg. You just gotta add that
to the list of things black people should not do. Like, we can jump.
We just don’t need assistance. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] It was scary
after I broke my leg because they put me
on prescription pain meds. And up until that point, I had
never done drugs in my life, because I grew up
on the D.A.R.E. Program. [ Cheers and applause ] I’m the one kid it worked on. The D.A.R.E. Program
was effective, man, because they made us
sing a song every day. Just a bunch of fifth graders
in class talking about… ♪ D, I won’t do drugs ♪ ♪ A, I’ll have an attitude ♪ ♪ R, I will respect myself ♪ ♪ E, I will educate me now ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] All the teachers
looking at us like, “Look at these stupid-head kids
singing this goofy song. [ Laughter ] Y’all gotta relax and watch some
‘Magic School Bus,’ man.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Comedy. Comedy is my drug, man.
That’s what I’m addicted to. That’s why I’m glad we can all
come together and share a laugh, set aside our differences
for a bit. I think that’s how to progress
in this country, and I think we’ll progress
in this way. First off, black people, we have to stop blaming
white people for our problems. All right?
It’s a big deal for us. And, white people, got to stop
creating so many problems. [ Laughter ] You know. I just —
All we’re asking. A little bit. I’ve done my research
on white people. Mm-hmm. I be watching “Game of Thrones”
and things like that. Got all types of potions
and elixirs. You know why
shows like that exist? “Walking Dead”
and “Game of Thrones”? Because white people
ain’t got no natural predator. [ Laughter ] They don’t.
They just got to make up stuff. Sitting there like, “What if
there were zombies and dragons? Ooh! [ Laughter ] Oh, my word! Can you imagine? What would the world be like
with problems? Oh, just save us, Khaleesi.” [ Laughter ] Like “Naked and Afraid”?
That’s a white-ass show, bro. You know how good
your life got to be that the only way
you can feel fear is go to the woods
with your ding-a-ling out? [ Laughter ] Black people ain’t doing no
“Naked and Afraid.” We go outside every day,
clothed and suspected. This is no fun. [ Laughter ] I’m tellin’ ya. [ Cheers and applause ] “Will Jourdain make it past
this routine traffic stop? Find out this Wednesday on
‘Clothed and Suspected.'” [ Laughter ] Set the DVR. “Clothed and
Suspected” is coming on. Nah, I’ve actually
been hanging out with a lot of white people
lately because I’ve been spending a lot of time
in Harlem. Ahem. You guys are spreading. Harlem’s changed.
It’s a lot different now. Even the crackheads
are different. Crackheads done
switched up the merchandise. I was in the barber shop
the other day, this crackhead came in and
tried to sell me a dragon egg. He’s like, “Hey, man, I got
these dragon eggs for you.” I was like, “Dragon egg?” He’s like, “Yeah, man,
there’s a whole bag of them. They nice, they clean,
they pure, they good quality. You got to buy this stuff.” [ Laughter ] I was like, “Brother,
these are avocados.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I was like, “How much are you
selling these for, man?”
He’s like, “50 cents a piece.” I was like, “Damn, that’s
a great deal right there. You know how much you can get
for these on the white market? You are selling yourself short,
my friend. Let’s draw up a business deal.
We will take this over.” [ Laughter ] I try not to think about
that race stuff too much, but it does seep into my mind
every now and again. I think it’s because
of where I was raised. I was raised in the South. They teach things differently as
a young black kid in the South. Like, I’m from a place called
Greensboro, North Carolina. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. Right. And in Greensboro,
we had a planetarium. And I love space.
I’m infatuated with it. I love space
the way Oprah loves bread. [ Laughter ] So I would get geeked. I would get geeked
to go to the planetarium. I’d be like, “Yo, this is dope.
We’re going to the planetarium. I can’t wait.
We get to learn about space.” And they say, “No, Jourdain. You’re going to learn
about slavery.” I was like, “What? How?” And they project stars
onto the screen, and they say
the slaves would use the stars as a road map of sorts
when they were trying to navigate their way
to the North. They’d sing songs.
They’d sing… ♪ When the first quail calls
to carry you to freedom ♪ ♪ Follow the drinking gourd ♪ I remember that song,
just in case of emergency. [ Laughter ] So if Trump pressed that button,
I’m-a be out here… [ Humming ] [ Applause ] “It’s the North Star, Demarcus.
Follow me. I know a place in Harlem
where we can get some dragon eggs, my friend.” My name is Jourdain Fisher.
Thank you so much. Dream on. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, my goodness. ♪♪ Jourdain Fisher right there! Not bad.
Sanding ovation. Not bad.