Claire Corlett

Fish Food, Fish Tanks, and More
Meanwhile… Big News In Fish Transport

Meanwhile… Big News In Fish Transport


YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND SO MUCH
TIME OVER THERE SMELTING THE RAW ORE OF THE BIG NEWS INTO THE
GORGEOUS WROUGHT-IRON GATE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SHOVEL
UP ALL THE CASTOFF NEWS SLAG, GRIND IT INTO A POWDER, MIX IT
WITH CLINKER, GYPSUM, AND FLY ASH, AND REFINE IT INTO BLAST
FURNACE SLAG CEMENT, WHICH IS THEN POURED INTO A CAST, AND
COOLED INTO THE CONVENIENCE STORE PARKING BLOCK THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: THERE CAN’T BE TOO MUCH
“MEANWHILE.” IT GIVES HOPE TO PEOPLE. WHILE, FOR DAYS, THE
INTERNET HAS BEEN UNABLE TO GET ENOUGH OF THIS VIDEO OF A
PNEUMATIC TUBE SYSTEM DESIGNED FOR MOVING FISH LONG DISTANCES
OVER DAMS. THE LINE IS ALWAYS SUPER LONG
BUT THAT SALMON HAD A FAST PASS. ( LAUGHTER )
THE DEVICE IS KNOWN AS “THE SALMON CANNON,” WHICH NARROWLY
BEAT OUT THE “GILL GUN,” “THE TROUT SPOUT,” “THE BASS
BLASTER,” AND OF COURSE, “THE FLINGING NEMO.” ( LAUGHTER )
THE SALMON CANNON IS THE BRAINCHILD OF A COMPANY CALLED
WHOOSHH INNOVATIONS, WHICH ASKS THE QUESTION: WHAT ELSE DOES
WHOOSHH INNOVATIONS MAKE? “ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, WE’VE GOT
THE PERFECT NAME FOR THE COMPANY. NOW WHAT’S SOMETHING THAT GOES
“WHOOSHH?” NO BAD IDEAS. SERIOUSLY, EVEN IF YOU PITCH
SOME KIND OF LONG DISTANCE FISH LAUNCHER, I’M IN. BUT NOT THAT. SOMETHING ELSE.” MEANWHILE, DESPITE ALL THE
TIMES, THERE ARE ALSO INSPIRING AND UPLIFTING STORIES OUT
THERE. AND, USUALLY, THOSE STORIES ARE
ABOUT OLYMPIC GYMNAST SIMONE BILES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I LIKE TO COVER THEM IN OUR NEW SIMONE BILES-BASED
“MEANWHILE” SUB-SEGMENT: “MEANBILES.” DON’T LET THE NAME FOOL YOU. I HAVE MET HER. SHE’S NICE-BILES. MEANBILES, SIMONE BILES, JUST
WON HER SIXTH ALL-AROUND TITLE AT THE U.S. GYMNASTICS
CHAMPIONSHIP– ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN PART– IN PART BY BEING THE FIRST EVER TO LAND A
TRIPLE DOUBLE. TWO DOUBLES, THREE FLIPS IN
COMPETITIONS. HERE IS WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE. YOU’VE GOT THE FLOP. YOU HAVE ANOTHER FLOP. THEN YOU’VE GOT ONE, TWO,
THREE– AND THERE WERE TWO FLIPS IN THERE. BOOM! UNBELIEVABLE! UNBELIEVABLE! NO OTHER GYMNAST IN THE WORLD
CAN DO THAT WITHOUT BEING SHOT OUT OF A SALMON CANNON. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, J.D. SALINGER’S NOVELS WILL FINALLY BE RELEASED
AS E-BOOKS. ALLOWING E-BOOKS IS A BOLD MOVE
BY J.D. SALINGER’S SON, MATT SALINGER. BUT DON’T EXPECT ANY OTHER TYPES
OF MEDIA, BECAUSE MATT SALINGER MAINTAINS THAT, LIKE HIS FATHER,
“HE IS FIRMLY OPPOSED TO SCREEN ADAPTATIONS.” AND HE IS ALSO “NOT GOING TO
RELEASE J.D. SALINGER’S WORK AS AUDIOBOOKS.” FINE. I RESPECT THAT. NO MOVIES. NO TV. NO AUDIOBOOKS. BUT NOTICE THAT HE DIDN’T SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. HEAR ME OUT! I’VE PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING
TOGETHER THAT I THINK DEMONSTRATES THE SHEER
PULSE-POUNDING, BUTTON-SMASHING POTENTIAL OF THE ENTIRE SALINGER
OEUVRE. OKAY, LEVEL ONE. YOU’RE HOLDEN CAULFIELD. YOU’RE WATCHING THE RYE. OKAY, HERE COME THOSE KIDS! CATCH ‘EM, HOLDEN! CATCH THE KIDS! CATCH ‘EM IN THE RYE! NO! THERE ARE TOO MANY! THERE ARE TOO MANY KIDS! YOU’VE LOST YOUR INNOCENCE! YOU’VE LOST THEIR INNOCENCE. AND YOU’VE WON. YOU’VE WON. BONUS ROUND: ASK A CAB DRIVE
( APPLAUSE ) BONUS ROUND: ASK A CAB DRIVER
WHERE DUCKS GO IN THE WINTER. CALL ME, MATT SALINGER, OR
YOU’RE A PHONY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JADA
PINKETT-SMITH.

100 comments on “Meanwhile… Big News In Fish Transport

  1. It took me a bit before I remembered, but I now know why I felt a flush of rage when J.D. Salinger appeared on screen.

    I have never hated a book, its character, and its plot more than I did when forced to read "Catcher in the Rye".

  2. This idiot if he doesn’t have trump to make fun off, he’s lost! Typical late night loser!
    No one will ever be better than
    Johnny Carson

  3. I wanna get that "Catcher in the Rye" game for my phone. …With a final level that has the words "F*** You!" uttered, several times.

  4. Didn't Oliver talk about the salmon cannon like 5 years ago? He did a bit where he shot fish at a bunch of different tv shows.

  5. Folks. I spent a lot of time there. Creating a magnificent set of.poetry that stuns and soothes the nation.

    But sometimes I will lay. BAck and the bourbon will just keep coming. I Will jot down angry and confused ideas that is my segment
    MEANWHIIIIIILE

  6. I want to nominate Stephen Colbert for a very special Humanitarian's Award for Special Service, for keeping America sane through this trump regime.

  7. Crazy Crazy PEOPLE.
    Killing our Fish.
    Why would like kept calling her name, she's a beautiful young woman, winning and no trip to the white crazy house.

  8. Here's the John Oliver video that has the Salmon Cannon and a scene with Stephen Colbert getting hit by a Salmon,
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9qA8c-E_oA

  9. tagged salmon have been counted multiple times, going through the swoosh and then floating downstream and swooshing again, resulting (curiously enough) in a concentration of milt hitherto unknown so far down stream.

  10. Catching kids in the rye was too cheap a joke for even me to laugh. They should have done a real scene from the book– that would've been way funnier to see as a video game.

  11. I get the "no adaptations" thing, but an audio book is not an adaptation, and it's incredibly asinine to not allow for it

  12. Meanwhile…scientists in Australia are finding some early hopeful results with transplanted coral in attempt to recover reef systems effected by climbing ocean temps…

  13. I read Catcher in the Rye as a teen and I can't for the life of me remember what it was about … a mopey teenager? Or was that just me?

  14. John Oliver already reported on this and dropped a salmon on yer head. You're late! … ohh… The Late Show… now I get it. 😉

  15. When Steven was saying that Salinger's son opposed e-books until the year 2019 and now is opposing audiobooks, all I could picture was "old man yells at cloud"

    Man, if someone's nemesis is audiobooks, they really need to find a better pastime.

  16. Great piece on Simone Biles. I loved seeing that clip of her amazing gymnastic feat. But the last segment — well, after a quick skim of some of the comments, I guess I'm the only one who was left with a bad taste in my mouth after that video game bit. Even in such a crude and jokey form, seeing a kid picking off other kids — I was inescapably reminded of the school shootings.

  17. Yeah how is this making news now 5 years later after John Oliver already covered this? That guy really is a fish head of his time 😂🤣

  18. Salinger sucked ass. Biggest intellectual hoax in American literature. People just pretend to like his garbage because they think it makes them "seem smart". And his heirs are just as idiotic, pretending they think his trash is too precious to profit from, while they constantly put out press releases to remind everybody that they are related to a famous dead person. Ridiculous.

  19. Lol I kinda didn't follow the whoosh punchline. Like what else makes the sound whoosh? Is it something obvious? I thought it was like obviously going for a marijuana joke. But anyway that was the funniest story good for the salmon!

  20. the sallengers sure hate dyslexics 😄 there must be mad dyslexic jokes if they don‘t want us to „read“ it so badly 😄

  21. I wonder if Matt Salinger would be as opposed to screen adaptations if his stint as Captain America had gone over better (or if he'd at least gotten a MCU cameo).

    (DISCLAIMER: Yes, I'm kidding! I just had to poke fun at Salinger's Cap movie…)

  22. Lol. I was totally expecting a salmon coming from nowhere and hitting poor Stephen again …. just for old times sake XDXD

  23. JD Salinger’s work was on a list of proscribed titles that were not to be xeroxed for use in schools, the list provided by an official agency in the U.K. called the CLA.

  24. Next in line for production:
    . The Cod Catapult
    . The Tuna Trebuchet
    . The Bass Ballista
    . The Halibut Howitzer
    . The Mahi-mahi Mortar
    . The Grouper Gatling

  25. Whoosh Innovations are great people. Good to see them still getting publicity.

    Fun fact. They started making these things for the produce industry for moving fruits and such without bruising.

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