Sam Tallent’s Living In An Episode Of Shark Tank | Bar Talk
I’ll listen and exploit them in anyway I can. Hey I’m Guy Branum and this is Bar Talk at JFL. Hey this is JFL Bar Talk. I’m Guy Branum. This is Sam Tallent, one of the New Faces of comedy here at JFL. Sam, it was an intense night of mingling at the bar last night.
(Sam) Oh yeah. (Guy)I saw you mingling very hard. How are you feeling right now?
(Sam) It was. Oh, terrible. I poisoned my body. I jeopardized a lot of my morals. You know, my integrity is gone completely. Yeah, I worked the room though, I was effective. Who needs integrity in the entertainment industry? (Sam) I need a development deal, that’s what I need.
(Guy) It’s just holding you back. Okay, so I’m gonna ask you, you’re a New Face, how does it feel to be told by the industry “You are one of the New Faces of the industry.” Relieved. Yeah, I’ve been doing stand-up for 11 years and I’ve been waiting to come up here for 11 years, you know. So thank god I’m here, I don’t have to worry anymore, it’s good. But you are…You’re in New Faces: Unrepped that means you are… The people in New Faces: Repped they already have agents, they already have managers. For you, this is essentially an episode of Shark Tank. You’re having to pitch your product, you’re having to find a manager who would like 10%. What are you doing to pitch yourself to the industry? I’m actually offering 35%. So come and buy a piece of me. It’s free money, I did 45 weekends last year. So come and get me, invest now! So there’s just a bunch of questions in here, and I will pull them out and you have to answer with your gut reaction. You have to work viscerally from like the most honest part of your brain. (Guy) Are you willing to do that Sam Tallent?
(Sam) Okay. Yeah, I’m feral right now. Let’s play Question Bucket, though it’s bucket status has been questioned. But I guess it’s appropriate for a Question Bucket.
(Sam) That’s why you’re running the interview. If you invented a new national holiday, what would it be? It would be a holiday for single mothers to have a day off, to go out and get blasted in the day time. Okay so, is there national childcare provided so that they can, like not worry about where the kids are when they are drinking their too much white wine? Guys like us will watch the kids, while they are out you know mingling, shaking it, doing Xanax. No one’s gonna, no one’s gonna agree to us watching their children. Yeah they would, I’m so good with kids. I mean, I’m great with children too but I think both of us, I mean… I’m paternal! I’m avancular, I’m selling… I’m selling gay uncle very hard.
(Sam) So you’re like an uncle. Just took my niece to France, that’s pretty great. But I think I’m giving creepy vibes, I think you’re giving creepy vibes… How dare you? We do look like henchmen. I call them like I see them. If you have the power to shrink anything and take it with you, what would it be? What would you do with it? I’d shrink my wife and put her in my pocket, so I can go everywhere with her. But then she’d be tiny. I’d hypothetically, re-enlarge her. (Guy) No, there is nothing in this question about re-enlarging her.
(Sam) Just shrinking? Have you seen that Matt Damon movie about the economy and shrinking people?
(Sam) I’d also shrink the kids. Yes. Alright, next question I’m thinking of starting a cult, what cult should we start together? I just want to be clear, this question wasn’t written by me but I’m thinking of starting a cult. I always think in LA, if you can make it in entertainment, cults! Oh, it’s an easy move! What cult would you wanna start together? Sex cult where we never have to be on top. My arms shake too much, I still want the benefits of running a sex cult but I don’t want to have to do all the work. You know, the guy who played the hot guy in 10 things I hate about you, he runs a sex cult in Venice, California now. Do you think, do you think Los Angeles or Denver is a cult-ier city? For sure LA, there’s a bunch of wounded people out there. I know, and wounded people have family money and the lack of the capacity to protect that family money. I think that’s what cults are really about. And I’ll listen, and exploit them in any way I can. What would be the worst buy one, get one free item ever? A child casket? For sure. You lost twins… Would you rather… [laughs] That’s tough. Would you rather, I mean… If you lose a child, that’s tragic. You lose twins, that’s on you. (Sam)I know.
(Guy) You know. And also you go to prison, because the thing you loved the most in the world died. That’s Bar Talk at JFL. It’s over now.