Claire Corlett

Fish Food, Fish Tanks, and More

The Late Show Salmon Correspondent Is Tweaking


>>Stephen: THE WIND IN MY
HAIR. THE GRASS UNDER MY FEET, THE
PARK RANGER WITH THE FLASHLIGHT IN MY FACE,
SAYING, “SIR, WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?”
(LAUGHTER) SO I’M PRETTY ALARMED ABOUT SOME
NEWS I JUST HEARD. ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENTISTS HAVE
TESTED THE SALMON IN THE PUGET SOUND OUT AROUND SEATTLE, AND
THEY FOUND THAT BECAUSE THOSE SALMON ARE NEAR ALL THESE
WASTEWATER TREATMENT PLANTS, THEY ARE FULL OF DRUGS INCLUDING
PROZAC. YOU KNOW, I DON’T BLAME THEM. IF I SPENT MY LIFE SWIMMING IN
WASTE WATER, I WOULD DEFINITELY NEED A MOOD STABILIZER. THANKS TO CONTAMINATED PUGET
SOUND WATER, LIKE THIS WATER HERE, SCIENTISTS FOUND THAT
THOSE SALMON ALSO CONTAIN FLONASE, ALEVE, TYLENOL, ADVIL,
BENEDRYL, CIPRO, PAXIL, VALIUM, ZOLOFT, TAGAMET, OXYCONTIN,
DARVON, AND LIPITOR. CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR TO SEE IF
SALMON IS RIGHT FOR YOU. (APPLAUSE)
SIDE-EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE EVERYTHING. BUT HERE’S THE REAL KICKER. THE PUGET SOUND SALMON ALSO
TESTED POSITIVE FOR COCAINE. THAT’S RIGHT, PRIMO FISH FLAKE. BOLIVIAN GILL POWDER. NEPTUNE’S NOSE CAVIAR. THE DEVIL’S SEA SALT. LITTLE MERMAID’S LITTLE HELPER. FRANKLY, I’M A LITTLE WORRIED
ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF DRUGS IN OUR FISH. SO I’M GOING TO CHECK IN WITH
FRIEND OF THE “LATE SHOW” AND PUGET SOUND RESIDENT– LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME, SAMMY THE SALMON. SAMMY! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>HELLO, STEPHEN. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!>>STEPHEN: HEY, SAMMY, HOW ARE
YOU FEELING?>>INVINCIBLE! I WILL FIGHT A GRIZZLY BEAR!>>STEPHEN: OKAY, CALM DOWN. SO, WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU AND
ALL YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PUGET SOUND?>>WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT’S
GOING ON? ARE YOU A COP?>>STEPHEN: NO, I’M NOT A COP.>>YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU’RE
A COP, OR ELSE THIS IS ENTRAPMENT.>>STEPHEN: SAMMY, I’M JUST
WORRIED ABOUT YOU. WITH ALL THOSE DRUGS IN YOUR
SYSTEM, ARE YOU OKAY?>>OF COURSE, I’M OKAY! WHY, DO I LOOK HIGH TO YOU?>>STEPHEN: WELL, YOUR EYES ARE
A LITTLE BLOODSHOT. YOU NEED TO FACE THE FACT THAT
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.>>OH, GREAT, NOW YOU SOUND LIKE
DENISE. THOSE ARE MY EGGS, TOO– I
DESERVE TO SEE THEM! LISTEN, STEPHEN, CAN I BORROW A
LITTLE CASH?>>STEPHEN: HOW MUCH?>>$45,000.>>STEPHEN: WHAT?>>I OWE MONEY TO A LOAN SHARK.>>STEPHEN: LET ME GUESS, HE’S
AN ACTUAL SHARK?>>NO, SHARKS DON’T HAVE MONEY. WHAT, ARE YOU HIGH? HOLD ON!! I’VE JUST HAD A GREAT NEW
BUSINESS IDEA. IT’S A BIKE, BUT IT HAS FOUR
WHEELS AND YOU CAN SIT INSIDE IT AND IT HAS A MOTOR.>>STEPHEN: THAT’S A CAR.>>SHUT UP, I HATE YOU! HEY, YOU WANT TO GO TO SPAIN FOR
A YEAR? I FEEL REALLY CLOSE TO YOU!>>STEPHEN: SAMMY, YOU’VE GOT TO
SLOW DOWN.>>I’M FINE, OKAY? MAN, I GOT A BAD CASE OF COTTON
MOUTH. I’M HAVING SOME TROUBLE
BREATHING.>>STEPHEN: HERE, HAVE SOME
PUGET SOUND WATER.>>YEEAAAAH! ME LIKEY! I’LL SPAWN WITH ANYTHING
THAT MOVES! YOU WANT TO DANCE? LET’S DANCE! LOOK AT ME NOW, DENISE!>>STEPHEN: OKAY, SAMMY THE
SALMON, EVERYBODY.>>I CANNOT BE KILLED!

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