Claire Corlett

Fish Food, Fish Tanks, and More
Why we love, why we cheat | Helen Fisher

Why we love, why we cheat | Helen Fisher

I’d like to talk today
about the two biggest social trends in the coming century, and perhaps in the next 10,000 years. But I want to start
with my work on romantic love, because that’s my most recent work. What I and my colleagues did was put
32 people, who were madly in love, into a functional MRI brain scanner. 17 who were madly in love
and their love was accepted; and 15 who were madly in love
and they had just been dumped. And so I want to tell you
about that first, and then go on into where
I think love is going. (Laughter) “What ’tis to love?” Shakespeare said. I think our ancestors — I think human beings have been
wondering about this question since they sat around their campfires or lay and watched
the stars a million years ago. I started out by trying to figure out
what romantic love was by looking at the last 45 years
of the psychological research and as it turns out, there’s a very specific group of things
that happen when you fall in love. The first thing that happens is, a person begins to take on
what I call, “special meaning.” As a truck driver once said to me, “The world had a new center,
and that center was Mary Anne.” George Bernard Shaw said it differently. “Love consists of overestimating
the differences between one woman and another.” And indeed, that’s what we do. (Laughter) And then you just focus on this person. You can list what you
don’t like about them, but then you sweep that aside
and focus on what you do. As Chaucer said, “Love is blind.” In trying to understand romantic love, I decided I would read poetry
from all over the world, and I just want to give
you one very short poem from eighth-century China, because it’s an almost perfect example of a man who is focused totally
on a particular woman. It’s a little bit like when you are
madly in love with somebody and you walk into a parking lot — their car is different
from every other car in the parking lot. Their wine glass at dinner is different from every other wine glass
at the dinner party. And in this case, a man got hooked
on a bamboo sleeping mat. And it goes like this. It’s by a guy called Yuan Zhen. “I cannot bear to put away
the bamboo sleeping mat. The night I brought you home,
I watched you roll it out.” He became hooked on a sleeping mat, probably because of elevated activity
of dopamine in his brain, just like with you and me. But anyway, not only does this person
take on special meaning, you focus your attention on them. You aggrandize them. But you have intense energy. As one Polynesian said,
“I felt like jumping in the sky.” You’re up all night.
You’re walking till dawn. You feel intense elation
when things are going well; mood swings into horrible despair
when things are going poorly. Real dependence on this person. As one businessman in New York said to me, “Anything she liked, I liked.” Simple. Romantic love is very simple. You become extremely sexually possessive. You know, if you’re just sleeping
with somebody casually, you don’t really care
if they’re sleeping with somebody else. But the moment you fall in love, you become extremely
sexually possessive of them. I think there’s a Darwinian
purpose to this. The whole point of this
is to pull two people together strongly enough to begin
to rear babies as a team. But the main characteristics
of romantic love are craving: an intense craving
to be with a particular person, not just sexually, but emotionally. It would be nice to go to bed with them, but you want them to call you
on the telephone, to invite you out, etc., to tell you that they love you. The other main characteristic
is motivation. The motor in the brain begins to crank,
and you want this person. And last but not least,
it is an obsession. Before I put these people
in the MRI machine, I would ask them all kinds of questions. But my most important question
was always the same. It was: “What percentage of the day
and night do you think about this person?” And indeed, they would say, “All day. All night. I can never stop thinking
about him or her.” And then, the very last question — I would always have to work
myself up to this question, because I’m not a psychologist. I don’t work with people
in any kind of traumatic situation. My final question was always the same. I would say,
“Would you die for him or her?” And, indeed, these people would say “Yes!” as if I had asked them to pass the salt. I was just staggered by it. So we scanned their brains, looking at a photograph
of their sweetheart and looking at a neutral photograph, with a distraction task in between. So we could look at the same brain
when it was in that heightened state and when it was in a resting state. And we found activity
in a lot of brain regions. In fact, one of the most important
was a brain region that becomes active
when you feel the rush of cocaine. And indeed, that’s exactly what happens. I began to realize that romantic love
is not an emotion. In fact, I had always thought
it was a series of emotions, from very high to very low. But actually, it’s a drive. It comes from the motor of the mind, the wanting part of the mind,
the craving part of the mind. The kind of part of the mind when you’re reaching
for that piece of chocolate, when you want to win
that promotion at work. The motor of the brain. It’s a drive. And in fact, I think it’s more powerful
than the sex drive. You know, if you ask somebody
to go to bed with you, and they say, “No, thank you,” you certainly don’t kill yourself
or slip into a clinical depression. But certainly, around the world, people who are rejected
in love will kill for it. People live for love. They kill for love. They die for love. They have songs, poems, novels, sculptures, paintings, myths, legends. In over 175 societies, people have left their evidence
of this powerful brain system. I have come to think it’s one of the most powerful
brain systems on Earth for both great joy and great sorrow. And I’ve also come to think that it’s one of three
basically different brain systems that evolved from mating and reproduction. One is the sex drive:
the craving for sexual gratification. W.H. Auden called it
an “intolerable neural itch,” and indeed, that’s what it is. It keeps bothering you
a little bit, like being hungry. The second of these three brain
systems is romantic love: that elation, obsession of early love. And the third brain system is attachment: that sense of calm and security
you can feel for a long-term partner. And I think that the sex drive
evolved to get you out there, looking for a whole range of partners. You can feel it when you’re just
driving along in your car. It can be focused on nobody. I think romantic love evolved
to enable you to focus your mating energy on just one individual at a time, thereby conserving mating time and energy. And I think that attachment,
the third brain system, evolved to enable you to tolerate
this human being at least long enough to raise
a child together as a team. So with that preamble, I want to go into discussing
the two most profound social trends. One of the last 10,000 years and the other,
certainly of the last 25 years, that are going to have an impact
on these three different brain systems: lust, romantic love
and deep attachment to a partner. The first is women working,
moving into the workforce. I’ve looked at 130 societies through the demographic yearbooks
of the United Nations. Everywhere in the world,
129 out of 130 of them, women are not only moving
into the job market — sometimes very, very slowly,
but they are moving into the job market — and they are very slowly closing
that gap between men and women in terms of economic power,
health and education. It’s very slow. For every trend on this planet,
there’s a counter-trend. We all know of them, but nevertheless — the Arabs say, “The dogs may bark,
but the caravan moves on.” And, indeed, that caravan is moving on. Women are moving back into the job market. And I say back into the job market,
because this is not new. For millions of years,
on the grasslands of Africa, women commuted to work
to gather their vegetables. They came home with 60 to 80 percent
of the evening meal. The double income family was the standard. And women were regarded
as just as economically, socially and sexually powerful as men. In short, we’re really
moving forward to the past. Then, women’s worst
invention was the plow. With the beginning of plow agriculture,
men’s roles became extremely powerful. Women lost their ancient
jobs as collectors, but then with the industrial revolution
and the post-industrial revolution they’re moving back into the job market. In short, they are acquiring the status
that they had a million years ago, 10,000 years ago, 100,000 years ago. We are seeing now one
of the most remarkable traditions in the history of the human animal. And it’s going to have an impact. I generally give a whole lecture on the impact of women
on the business community. I’ll say just a couple of things,
and then go on to sex and love. There’s a lot of gender differences; anybody who thinks men and women are alike simply never had a boy and a girl child. I don’t know why they want to think
that men and women are alike. There’s much we have in common, but there’s a whole lot
that we do not have in common. We are — in the words of Ted Hughes, “I think that we are like two feet.
We need each other to get ahead.” But we did not evolve
to have the same brain. And we’re finding more and more
gender differences in the brain. I’ll only just use a couple
and then move on to sex and love. One of them is women’s verbal ability. Women can talk. Women’s ability to find the right word
rapidly, basic articulation goes up in the middle
of the menstrual cycle, when estrogen levels peak. But even at menstruation,
they’re better than the average man. Women can talk. They’ve been doing it for a million years;
words were women’s tools. They held that baby
in front of their face, cajoling it, reprimanding it,
educating it with words. And, indeed, they’re becoming
a very powerful force. Even in places like India and Japan, where women are not moving rapidly
into the regular job market, they’re moving into journalism. And I think that the television
is like the global campfire. We sit around it and it shapes our minds. Almost always, when I’m on TV,
the producer who calls me, who negotiates what we’re going to say, is a woman. In fact, Solzhenitsyn once said, “To have a great writer
is to have another government.” Today 54 percent of people
who are writers in America are women. It’s one of many, many
characteristics that women have that they will bring into the job market. They’ve got incredible people skills,
negotiating skills. They’re highly imaginative. We now know the brain circuitry
of imagination, of long-term planning. They tend to be web thinkers. Because the female parts
of the brain are better connected, they tend to collect more
pieces of data when they think, put them into more complex patterns,
see more options and outcomes. They tend to be contextual,
holistic thinkers, what I call web thinkers. Men tend to — and these are averages — tend to get rid of what they regard
as extraneous, focus on what they do, and move in a more
step-by-step thinking pattern. They’re both perfectly good
ways of thinking. We need both of them to get ahead. In fact, there’s many more
male geniuses in the world. And there’s also many more
male idiots in the world. (Laughter) When the male brain works well,
it works extremely well. And what I really think
that we’re doing is, we’re moving towards
a collaborative society, a society in which the talents
of both men and women are becoming understood
and valued and employed. But in fact, women moving
into the job market is having a huge impact
on sex and romance and family life. Foremost, women are starting
to express their sexuality. I’m always astonished
when people come to me and say, “Why is it that men are so adulterous?” “Why do you think
more men are adulterous than women?” “Well, men are more adulterous!” And I say, “Who do you think
these men are sleeping with?” (Laughter) And — basic math! Anyway. In the Western world, women start sooner at sex,
have more partners, express less remorse
for the partners that they do, marry later, have fewer children, leave bad marriages
in order to get good ones. We are seeing the rise
of female sexual expression. And, indeed, once again we’re moving
forward to the kind of sexual expression that we probably saw on the grasslands
of Africa a million years ago, because this is the kind
of sexual expression that we see in hunting and gathering societies today. We’re also returning
to an ancient form of marriage equality. They’re now saying that the 21st century is going to be the century of what
they call the “symmetrical marriage,” or the “pure marriage,”
or the “companionate marriage.” This is a marriage between equals, moving forward to a pattern that is highly compatible
with the ancient human spirit. We’re also seeing a rise of romantic love. 91 percent of American women
and 86 percent of American men would not marry somebody
who had every single quality they were looking for in a partner, if they were not in love with that person. People around the world,
in a study of 37 societies, want to be in love
with the person that they marry. Indeed, arranged marriages are
on their way off this braid of human life. I even think that marriages
might even become more stable because of the second great world trend. The first one being women
moving into the job market, the second one being
the aging world population. They’re now saying that in America, that middle age should be regarded
as up to age 85. Because in that highest
age category of 76 to 85, as much as 40 percent of people
have nothing really wrong with them. So we’re seeing there’s a real
extension of middle age. For one of my books,
I looked at divorce data in 58 societies. And as it turns out, the older you get,
the less likely you are to divorce. So the divorce rate right now
is stable in America, and it’s actually beginning to decline. It may decline some more. I would even say that with Viagra, estrogen replacement, hip replacements and the incredibly interesting women — women have never been
as interesting as they are now. Not at any time on this planet
have women been so educated, so interesting, so capable. And so I honestly think that if there
really was ever a time in human evolution when we have the opportunity to make
good marriages, that time is now. However, there’s always kinds
of complications in this. These three brain systems —
lust, romantic love and attachment — don’t always go together. They can go together, by the way. That’s why casual sex isn’t so casual. With orgasm you get a spike of dopamine. Dopamine’s associated with romantic love, and you can just
fall in love with somebody who you’re just having casual sex with. With orgasm, then you get a real rush
of oxytocin and vasopressin — those are associated with attachment. This is why you can feel such a sense
of cosmic union with somebody after you’ve made love to them. But these three brain systems:
lust, romantic love and attachment, aren’t always connected to each other. You can feel deep attachment
to a long-term partner while you feel intense
romantic love for somebody else, while you feel the sex drive for people
unrelated to these other partners. In short, we’re capable of loving
more than one person at a time. In fact, you can lie in bed at night and swing from deep feelings
of attachment for one person to deep feelings
of romantic love for somebody else. It’s as if there’s a committee meeting
going on in your head as you are trying to decide what to do. So I don’t think, honestly, we’re an animal
that was built to be happy; we are an animal
that was built to reproduce. I think the happiness we find, we make. And I think, however, we can make good relationships
with each other. So I want to conclude with two things. I want to conclude with a worry, and with a wonderful story. The worry is about antidepressants. Over 100 million prescriptions
of antidepressants are written every year
in the United States. And these drugs are going generic. They are seeping around the world. I know one girl who’s been
on these antidepressants, SSRIs, serotonin-enhancing
antidepressants — since she was 13. She’s 23. She’s been on them
ever since she was 13. I’ve got nothing against people
who take them short term, when they’re going
through something horrible. They want to commit suicide
or kill somebody else. I would recommend it. But more and more people
in the United States are taking them long term. And indeed, what these drugs do
is raise levels of serotonin. And by raising levels of serotonin,
you suppress the dopamine circuit. Everybody knows that. Dopamine is associated with romantic love. Not only do they suppress
the dopamine circuit, but they kill the sex drive. And when you kill the sex drive,
you kill orgasm. And when you kill orgasm, you kill that flood of drugs
associated with attachment. The things are connected in the brain. And when you tamper with one brain system, you’re going to tamper with another. I’m just simply saying that a world
without love is a deadly place. So now — (Applause) Thank you. I want to end with a story. And then, just a comment. I’ve been studying romantic love
and sex and attachment for 30 years. I’m an identical twin;
I am interested in why we’re all alike. Why you and I are alike,
why the Iraqis and the Japanese and the Australian Aborigines
and the people of the Amazon River are all alike. And about a year ago, an Internet dating service,, came to me and asked me if I would design
a new dating site for them. I said, “I don’t know anything
about personality. You know? I don’t know. Do you think
you’ve got the right person?” They said, “Yes.” It got me thinking
about why it is that you fall in love with one person rather than another. That’s my current project;
it will be my next book. There’s all kinds of reasons that you fall in love
with one person rather than another. Timing is important.
Proximity is important. Mystery is important. You fall in love with somebody
who’s somewhat mysterious, in part because mystery
elevates dopamine in the brain, probably pushes you
over that threshold to fall in love. You fall in love with somebody who fits within
what I call your “love map,” an unconscious list of traits that you build in childhood
as you grow up. And I also think
that you gravitate to certain people, actually, with somewhat
complementary brain systems. And that’s what I’m now
contributing to this. But I want to tell you
a story, to illustrate. I’ve been carrying on here
about the biology of love. I wanted to show you a little bit
about the culture of it, too, the magic of it. It’s a story that was told to me by somebody who had
heard it just from one — probably a true story. It was a graduate student —
I’m at Rutgers and my two colleagues — Art Aron is at SUNY Stony Brook. That’s where we put our people
in the MRI machine. And this graduate student was madly
in love with another graduate student, and she was not in love with him. And they were
all at a conference in Beijing. And he knew from our work that if you go and do something
very novel with somebody, you can drive up
the dopamine in the brain, and perhaps trigger
this brain system for romantic love. (Laughter) So he decided he’d put science to work. And he invited this girl to go off
on a rickshaw ride with him. And sure enough — I’ve never been in one, but apparently they go
all around the buses and the trucks and it’s crazy and it’s noisy
and it’s exciting. He figured that this
would drive up the dopamine, and she’d fall in love with him. So off they go and she’s squealing
and squeezing him and laughing and having a wonderful time. An hour later they get down
off of the rickshaw, and she throws her hands up and she says, “Wasn’t that wonderful?” And, “Wasn’t that rickshaw
driver handsome!” (Laughter) (Applause) There’s magic to love! (Applause) But I will end by saying
that millions of years ago, we evolved three basic drives: the sex drive, romantic love and attachment to a long-term partner. These circuits are deeply
embedded in the human brain. They’re going to survive
as long as our species survives on what Shakespeare called
“this mortal coil.” Thank you. Chris Anderson: Helen Fisher! (Applause)

100 comments on “Why we love, why we cheat | Helen Fisher

  1. I'm really stunned by the anti-feminist, almost misogynistic attitudes that were expressed in this comment thread. Patriarchy is apparently very much alive. This lecture is full of fascinating insights regarding interpersonal relationships.

  2. It seems to me that she is a fake scientist, only recycling what we already know but putting it into a package which makes it look all "new" and "fresh". Also she constantly confirms her biased feministic view with her science. In my opinion, many scientists can abuse their high position, can allow themselves a lot as they know that nobody will challenge them as science is all "reliable".

  3. "Romantic love is essentially just elevated activity of the reward hormone dopamine in the brain."
    No, that's the physical response the body has to romantic love, but it is not fully what it is. This is a very mechanical explanation of love – and yes, some people really DO only feel mechanical love without any genuine depth. When someone cheats, its because their "love" is mechanical, and rather than it being felt deeply, they are simply lackeys to their hormones. Do you feel this way because of biological factors, or do you feel this way because of other factors, that have a biological effect. Some people only have the biological effect and have nothing deeper to ground them. So, when it's solely biological, can we really call it love? No. If we think that love is a purely mechanical thing, it is a reflection of the inner landscape of the person than believes so, because they have not reached a higher state of consciousness and understanding, and cannot fathom the awesome power of true love.

  4. This talk is outdated as the job market is shedding human capital for autonomous solutions. But the biomechanics of love bits were cool!

  5. Marriage will never be between equal women want a man who make more money than them and men want someone who makes less. Men want a wife who is attractive and women are more okay with being less attractive than their husbands.

  6. I have a question, in the same way men and women are different when falling in love, I find that when breaking up they're also different. As you said, in men testosterone falls when in a relationship, maybe keeping love for longer. As in women, I find that they tend, with time, to see the relationship has a way to reproduce and support their children. I find that women have more need for surprises and mystery , along a relationship to stay in love.
    When they breakup, in a long relationship, men tend to suffer more and have more difficult to start a new relationship. Is it in some way, proof that when men falls in love, that feeling will endure more than in women?

  7. While she comes across as an extremely intelligent individual there are several things that I do not agree with. This video first off is old and her science is old. Her belief for example in these biological differences between male and female brains. Her studies point out that these differences are noticed as adults, I know this because she mentions menstruation and how that changes a womans communicable ability. However what about youth. For example there are many studies that have been conducted for example the Still Face Experiment, that shows that babies are highly malleable and they pick up on non verbal reinforces. Taking this a step farther look at toddler toys boys toys are designed to develop dexterity and visual special skills while girls toys are designed to promote communication. We are trained and programed at a young age to adhere to the roles she has isolated as different between the sexes when in actuality they are taught from birth. I am disappointed videos like this are out there fueling the fire for this narrow type of thinking, within our society. Think bigger people, and think more towards the source and causal facts not assumptions and leaps.

  8. The problem is men and women are not sexually equal. The woman has an obvious advantage and that is where the equality is not balanced. The woman are equal in the job market because they have the power of the ….

  9. I disagree, I think what she’s talking about is attachment. Not love. Love doesn’t make you crazy it causes trust and relaxation between people not obsession. After the honeymoon phase of course. This is my opinion, with good amount of psychological knowledge…

  10. Its wastage of time and life energy to love a man… No surprise Women these days gives least priority to be attractive to men. As the effort is useless as men are even shallower than ever before… Loosing self respect more and more by blaming and shaming women

  11. The title of the video it’s very appropriated about love (not really about cheating). And I believe the base of all love it’s romantic love. Everything stars with romantic love despite of a lot of ppl acting like it’s important.

  12. For those who did not see the correlation between the title and the sermon, I hate to brake it to you, but you were too dumb to see why we love and why we cheat. It was crystal clear.

  13. 0:00 to 0:18 when you are new on the internet/youtube and want to make a dramatic entrance. #overDramatic #loud (as in symbolically)

  14. Some American women seem to be obsessed with women power. I hope the US will soon have a female president so that all the shrill American feminists with a victimhood complex would rediscover the French proverb: The more things change, the more they stay the same.
    Many countries already had female presidents or prime ministers and those countries still have the same problems as they had before they elected a female president or prime minister.

    When Obama was elected as President, many pundits predicted a lot of wonderful things for America under his Presidency. Now that Obama has come and gone, we can all ask ourselves what have really changed for race relations, class division, the gap between the rich and the poor, gun law (did less or more Americans die from guns under Obama's presidency?) and so on.

    Many feminists keep claiming that women are nurturing and caring and a female prime minister or president would look after the poor, the disadvantaged, the minorities and so on. Well, many other English-speaking countries sharing very similar values as those of America did elect female leaders such as the UK, Australia, New Zealand. Why do American feminists not ask the people of these countries if the gap between the rich and the poor has narrowed or widened since they have elected their female prime ministers? What about other social and economic problems? Have those problems been lessened?

    America will not get better because of a female president. America will get better when Americans think and act rationally on a wide range of issues.

  15. You can spy on your partner to test and know their Sincerity contact ""hackerrobert001 at gmail dot com'''''very good hacker and can help hack into any device or social networks, websites, Wi-Fi, credit score upgrade, negative entry removal. He's an elite, aside the fact that he was able to get the job done by offering a permanent solution. He did help me by exposing my cheating spouse then by cloning the device.
    All you need to do is writing to the address.

  16. She glorifies moving back to primitive social structures without to mention that they were polygamous harem societies where only a minority of the men got to reproduce.

  17. The bible exhorts men to love their wives……but it tells women to respect their husbands…..because women are incapable of (romantic) love. I know, I know, 2000-3000 year old writings are probably without merit……………right???????

  18. This is not hating or anything; I actually slept off watching this. And I'm not exaggerating or lying. I kept waiting for the moment she'd eventually discuss the title of the video.

  19. Don't associate me with cheating, your only a cheat if you have no reason to stay faithful, and believe me ive resisted the temption to have an affair until now, so if this is an affair I can live with that

  20. Trust me….if men could make babies cheaply without a fucking woman we would all be doing it. You bitches aren't worth the trouble.

  21. "Why him why her ?" was rather enlighting.

    Not groundbreaking, but innovative in what it combined.

    So thats the person who wrote it.

  22. As was said multuple times by Esther Perel. When consequences for cheating are the same for women as they are for men, we will know more about women cheating.

  23. Dr Helen Fisher is so intelligent she must have a very high IQ. I didn’t know that she was married 8 times!

  24. A million years ago on the African Savanah; I don't think human beings as we think of ourselves today are that old!

  25. Oh man, where do this myth about men not being able to talk come from? I knew men in my life that could talk, for hours, they talked and talked until your hair turned gray and you wish you were dead to just stop hearing them

  26. Men and women cheat, so it's not biological, it's the inherent inability to commit and maintain self discipline. All I hear is a bunch of excuses for terrible behavior. Have a backbone, don't cheat, end the relationship then go get another, but don't cheat because it's truly pathetic.

  27. There are 3 types of women
    The very intelligent
    The very attractive
    And the majority

    And why women have organisms ““something else to moan about

  28. I was expecting her to be a far better speaker. She was all over the place. Very difficult to follow. She couldn’t focus her talk.

  29. This video is from 2007 (uploaded)…wow 12 years ago?!
    I'm amazed how far TED has come… I appreciate all the speakers' time & sharing their stories 💛💜💜

  30. I never fell in love or had a boyfriend until I met the man I married. I did have a crush on a good looking man once but deep down I knew we were not a good match.
    I know what I want, what I like.
    I don’t change myself for any other person, especially a man.

    I grew up in small town helping my grandma in the kitchen. She never went to school but learned to read and write anyway by listening to the radio and watching tv. Mom was a nurse and Dad was a good policeman.

    If you focus on love early in your life you can miss so many other good things.
    Being young and attached can greatly limit your outlook.

    Don’t fall in love with how good looking he/she is. Study them and form an opinion independent from direct contact. How do they treat their parents and friends? If they do not treat these people with love and respect then they won’t treat you with love and respect also.
    Some people just take take take and they are always looking for new people to take from because people quickly realize when they are being taken advantage of.

  31. After forty-three years and ten months, of marriage I was DONE when he said, I don’t love you. I never looked back. I walked away from an alcoholic forever. You cannot control it, you did not cause it, and you cannot cure it.

  32. So after menopause, do women stop talking? Start verbalizing more like men? I don’t think it changes much (being at that stage myself). I still think women’s tendency toward greater verbal interaction has more to do with socialization, which begins on day 1 of life. Some gendered brain differences seen in a PET scan, for example, might actually be a result of early socialization (when the brain is developing)

  33. So this explains why writers (who usually have an advanced degree and work a lot of overtime) are paid crap whereas techies often don’t even have a college degree, most punch the clock – but get paid quite well, on average. Whatever field is female dominated automatically gets 💩for pay.

  34. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm a mom who is trying to get back on the market. I feel so much energy and passion inside for creativity and working around people, making difference. It's time to get this energy out! ❤️ ✊

  35. a world without love is not a deadly place. Life is not about romantic love. And LOVE is not related to somebody else. Love is Love. It is unrelated. Being in love with someone is either lust or attachement. Nothing to do with Love. It s time we chose words carefully, otherwise we end up mixing everything up in our little head and jump up to stupid conclusions and non-sense, but still look smart in front of most and get away with it.

  36. I think the female contraceptive pill has a dire effect on women and god knows what it does to our water systems. Men are 100% responsible for all pregnancies yet their hormones are allowed to flow free..

  37. Antidepressants make the sky so blue, and worries go away almost. Then you aren't much of a lover. Too little loving and you need antidepressants for real.

  38. Depression can be a life long illness so some people need meds for ever….. As someone who's been depressed for my entire life I've an issue with people telling other what they should do meds wise! That's between a patiant and their doc! It's dangerous to tell people you don't need meds for x reason!

  39. Dear Helen: You first few lead-in statements were so absurd and factually incorrect that I have to comment before I watch this further.
    You said it will affect us for 10,000 years and that it was a discussion around a campfire a million years ago. Maybe you think this makes you look like a genius in the subject of LOVE. You also studied about 35 couples. Ask any scientist and they will tell you about the chances of any
    of us being here in 1,000 years let alone 10,000 years. And people, a million years ago may not have had any form of speech as we know it today.
    The first concept of love came from the Greeks, Sagapo. I may be wrong but it certainly came into a discussion not longer than 100,000 years ago. To be fair to you and since nobody may actually know except you. A study of under a thousand couples of different cultures and different races is basically worthless or just what would be called Popular Science or Entertainment. Why you started with such IGNORANT STATEMENTS is beyond my understanding. It appears to fit into a form I would attribute to D. Trump, any Narcissist and the people who speak about
    Ancient Aliens. That takes care of your first few minutes.

  40. The "funniest" thing she said as if it was something she discovered… Gene Pitney, from the late 50s, "I don't want to live in a World Without Love." Her story about the rickshaw ride is more of a carrier of her need to prove her expertise by throwing in, casually, her elite university education.
    She also throws in, in a very indirect way, the number of books she has written her and 27 years of studying this subject. So what!

    She ends with more wrong information. She says we developed long term relationships a million years ago. We have NO information about any of this earlier than 100,000 years or so, probably much less since there were no written records before that time. What is her problem'
    I would say it started in a form of competition with her twin and as I said a tremendous sense of security which we all have, but it is all about how we handle it and what kind of person we become. The need for attention is stronger and develops earlier than the need for love. As a matter of fact, it is probably very much a mix of both. We fall in love with people who give and or get our attention first.

    Something which she never mentions, because most people are blind to their own issues.

    The wonders of the human defense system. A subject I have studied for many years. I see her as a presentation of thing she gleaned from
    her experiences packaged into an interesting and entertaining TED Talk, not worthy of scientific interest because there are many more books
    of interest. The first book I read was "The Art of Loving." by Eric Fromm.

    Please learn by doing your own research on subjects you are interested in. Pseudo-scientific talks at TED are TOO EASILY DESIGNED for attention and entertainment. More designed for the speakers need to be seen as experts, even though. like their education, experience, publications, they have casually admitted to being amateurs not scientists or expert in the field.

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